So what is love then?

So what is love then, is it dictated or chosen?
Does it sing like a thousand hymns or is it just pop emotion
And if it ever was there and it left,
does it mean it never was true?
- From “Mystery” by Indigo Girls

Love. There’s just so much to say about the subject, yet we can never really nail a true definition for the concept itself.

I’ve been in love three times in my life. The first time, the feeling lasted for almost 8 years. Let me tell you, it’s a real bitch, being in love for so long with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Someone who nevertheless takes all you have to give, with no intention whatsoever to return the feelings in the way you crave.

In retrospect, I really can’t see how I could have thought that it was the right choice at the time. We had such vastly different characters and no common interests. But I found the difference interesting, in itself. Also this person made me laugh. Oh, and there was that minor factor called sexual attraction. Minor. Yup. Of course it was.

I guess back then, I was in love with the concept of love itself. It’s hard not to be swept up by the idea of two people meant for each other, giving meaning to each other. I had spent much of my life up to that point in depression over a few situations I was powerless to change but forced to endure. I was angry with what I saw at home. Angry with how things could be allowed to be the way it was. Angry with myself for being different. And most of all, I was depressed and tired from living a lie. (I still live a lie, somewhat, but am no longer depressed about it. And that is a story for another time).

So it was easy enough to fall in love with the first person who thought I was interesting. Thrilled with the idea that someone could possibly love me for me, and not because of circumstance (like how parents must love their children because, well, they’re their children). Oh, what an emotional roller-coaster that turned out to be. Still, it was 8 years before I gave up. Bit difficult not to, when someone moves away secretly and when you finally manage to get the phone number several months later and call, you’re greeted by a very irritated voice. What can I say? How in heck did my feelings last 8 years? Did I choose to be in love, blind to the reality of the situation? Desperate to be loved, perhaps.

The second time around, the relationship lasted for just over 4 years. Again, rather different personalities but we did have mutual interests. But also a major fundamental character difference. A tendency to brood is kinda hard-wearing on someone like me who doesn’t believe in crying over skim milk. Just mop it up and get me some full cream goodness, I say. A bit rich though, coming from me having been in depressive broodiness throughout my teenage years. And being more than a little lactose intolerant, to boot.

Yet, there was love and it was mutual, we made a home. Then one day, it all came to pieces.

All my pride is all I have
You’ll be needing me but too bad
The path you chose to run alone
Here with me you had a home
- From “All I Have”, Jennifer Lopez

So what happened? After being colleagues for over a year, I had suddenly noticed No. 3. Obviously it wasn’t a physical attraction thing, because No. 3 had been right in front of me, all physical but not attracting, before it hit me one day that “oh shit. I really like you”. And shock horror. The feeling was mutual.

It was one long, emotionally exhausting break-up with No. 2. Through it all I never stopped loving No. 2. But if that were true, then why couldn’t we be saved? Why did I throw it all away to be with No. 3, knowing full well that there would be so many uncertainties and difficulties on that path?

I don’t love you enough.

Those words ring on in my head. Remaining unspoken for the godawfulness of its truth. I’m reminded of the controversy-sparking statement made by the professor in my Sociology class.

Never, ever, marry for love alone.

Oh, how true. Love, alone, is not enough. Love is an emotion, a feeling. And we all know how quickly feelings can change. How transient emotions can be. After the heat of desire has cooled, after the ring has been welded onto your finger, after you’ve signed on the dotted line for a property in joint names, what if one day you find yourself out of love?

And so, here I am, very much in love with No. 3. Really, though? The experiences with No. 1 and No. 2 have left me questioning my own emotions. Was it really love with them? With No. 1 was it true unconditional love on my part? Or was it just me going “I feel so wuzzy, you’re in my thoughts all the time. Especially For You is playing on the radio and it’s exactly how I feel. Ooo, you’re responding, ooo, this must be love” ?

Did I really love No. 2? My heart says yes. But my head now says, so why did you leave? Does it mean it never was true? And worse, if I don’t know what love is, how can I be sure if that’s what I’m feeling for No. 3?

Recently, someone said to me, “Love is not a feeling. It’s a commitment”. Commitment. How does that happen? I spent so long searching for someone who would love me for me, and when I did find that person, I couldn’t commit. There are no answers.

Guess I wasn’t the best one to ask,
Me myself with my face pressed up against Love’s glass
To see that shiny toy I’ve been hoping for
The one I never can afford.
- From Love Will Come To You by Indigo Girls

What I do know is that today, I find myself in a relationship that is comfortable in its strength. 2 years on, it continues to survive in the face of so much uncertainty and complications. When I least expected it, I found someone who not only could make me laugh, but laugh with me. Someone who’s on that same page marked “approach to life”.

From admiration and respect for the qualities I discovered over the one year of lunch-time chats and laughs, something crept up and bit me in the butt.

The way she whispers the stories I have heard,
In captivation my eyes are wide with her words,
So much respect in here..
My heart is full enough to burst.
- From Whispers, Fairground Attraction

I think it’s love. Let's see how it turns out.

Love, look at the two of us, strangers in every way.
Let’s take a lifetime to say “I knew you well”,
for only time can tell us so,
and love may grow, for all we know.
- From “For All We Know”, the Carpenters