An Effortless Friendship

I recently caught up with an old, old friend. Oops, it’s not her who’s old, it’s the friendship - we’ve known each other since we were 7.

As always, it was a joy to see her. ML has had a special place in my heart for over 20 years now. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that she was my first crush. Hahaha…what does one know of love at the tender age of 10?? Heehee. Anyway, I never did act on it. She was way out of my league and even if I could play on that league, there would have been too many complications.

I generally try not to have real regrets - you know, the kind that makes your heart ache whenever the memory pops up and that you just want to sweep under the squiggli-est bits of your brain. However, one of my eternal regrets is the unexplainable mental block I had over 5 years ago that produced the biggest, shamefull-est chickening out ever in the history of friendships. She had asked me to speak at her wedding dinner. But when the moment came, I utterly, shamefully, disastrously froze. So memalu-fying, I kid you not. The memory still manages to stab the heart.

Bleh.

Well. Guess this is as good a place to excerpt a speech that was never made.

There were these world wars she used to have with our classmate whom I’ll call S. These two had a one day, good friends, next day don’t friend you friendship. I used to be like the united nations secretary general for them. One day during one of those wars S wrote a not so nice note for ML, tore it up and sent it to ML to piece together like a jigsaw. Despite knowing that it contained not so nice things, ML patiently arranged the bits of papers together until finally it formed the note. After placing the last piece, she sat back and heaved a sigh of relief which just blew the bits of paper off in all directions. I gave up and left as she started piecing them back together again. That is one of the most enduring images I have of ML, and it illustrates one of the things I want to say about her tonight. When it comes to her friends, ML can be bothered. She cares, and values her friendships. I’m sure her friends know this as one of the qualities that draw them to her.

After Form One we started to head off in very different directions, from being in different classes to different streams. I’ve always found it significant that we both do not appear in our Form One class photo…we were both absent that day. If we had been in that photo, to me it would have only highlighted the fact that the next year and the years after that we would never be in the same class again. Our absence from that photo symbolises, to me, the invisible tie that has bonded us together throughout the years despite the different paths we walk.

I stand up here tonight to tell you a little bit about my friend. And that to me is the essence of who ML is. Many people say that she is like a big sister to all….but I have always seen her as the true meaning of the word friend. Many things come to mind when I think of ML- faithful, loyal, someone who listens without prejudice. And most of all… one great big smile.

In all our 18 years we have never been what you call best buddies. We had our separate paths, but I always had this awareness of my old friend ML at some corner of my mind. I still recall the mundane little details of the only two long distance phone calls that kept us in touch in the years since leaving secondary school...once from Singapore to KL and the other from Tasmania to Sydney.

Despite the long absences in each other’s lives, when we do actually catch up, we have been able to pick up as if we had never left off. We may not know what’s current in each other’s lives, yet we’ve seen into the deepest parts of each other’s souls. And so throughout the years, particularly since early secondary school, we’ve had what I would call an effortless friendship. It is a rare category of friendship, one that needs no constant attention yet grows richer as time goes by.

Not so long ago when she had just gone through a bad time, relationship-wise, I gave her a tape which had a song called Love Will Come to You. The line that mattered was "As if I’ve offered up a crystal ball to look through, where there’s now one, there will be two".

ML, dear old friend. It looks like our lives are about to go off on very different paths once again. Since we were 7, I’ve seen you laugh, cry, smile. Seen you "fall in love", fight with people, and today I see you married. Congratulations from the bottom of my heart to you and to M.

M, you now have a treasure in your hands. Keep her safe.

And indeed he has. And together, they've made the most adorable, beautiful and happy little boy I've ever seen. Ooooo geramnya....

Sigh. I’d like to think that maybe my speechlessness was due to a heart seizure (what’s with the spelling of this word?? I thought it was "i before e, except after c??"). Not the can-kill-you kind. More of an emotional seizure. Don’t get me wrong, I was truly happy for her. But perhaps I was also a little sad. I don’t know. I’ll always wonder, though.

Anyway, back to the present. As always, our latest catch-up was far too short. But it was a particularly good meeting. She told me of the recent changes in her life, of having exorcised the last of the old demons that had haunted her for far too long. Of having found peace. And how she now felt so much lighter.

Then she smiled.

And I nearly darn well bawled. It is so moving to see someone you love triumph in freeing herself of such deep and enduring chains. I have absolutely nothing but utter admiration for the emotional honesty, strength and courage it took to heal those scars. I am so happy to the point of tears and so very proud of her.

She’ll be going back to Australia soon and it may be another year before we meet again. And when we do, we'll just pick up where we left off, as we've always had all these years. Effortlessly.