When Life Gives You Lemons

The post entitled Masquerade may seem a little self-piteous. It wasn’t intended to be, though. I know I have much to be grateful for. As much as the loneliness sucked, at least I never had to want for much, in material terms. Money may not always buy happiness, but it sure does make life a lot more comfortable. Dad has certainly provided well for us, and save for the few years after we returned from Singapore in 1977, we’ve led a somewhat more than middle-class life.

Notwithstanding the good life, I was for a long period in my life stuck in continuous woe-is-me mode. Feeling alienated from your own body does that to you and no amount of material comforts is going to make you feel better about yourself. It also didn’t help that I learnt from an early age what guilt can do. As Tori Amos sang in Crucify - got enough guilt to start my own religion…nothing I do is good enough for you, crucify myself.

Till today, I am haunted by the guilt of not being what my parents want, never mind that what they want is really rather stereotypical. Isn’t it sad that you’re expected to follow different sets of rules depending on whether you were wrapped in a pink or blue blanket when you were born? For all they’ve given me, why can’t I give them what they want?

But the fact of the matter is, I can’t. It’s just not how I’m wired.

And because of the guilt, I played along. The masquerade went on year after year. It really isn’t so bad anymore though, now that I no longer live with them. The whole cabaret only comes to town a few times a year now :)

Anyway, the time for self-pity has passed. Since my early twenties, I’ve wiped up all those tears and spilt milk, got a new no-spill design carton of chocolate milk and moved on. The stains will always be there though, and once in a while, just the sight of them on the floor, the lingering smell of soured milk, bring on the rage and the old familiar ache in the heart. But only for a moment. Then it's all a matter of looking away and switching on the Ambi-Pure air freshener.

I am here. Life goes on. So live.

When life gives you lemons, you can do better than just lemonade - make yourself the best darn banana lemon cream pie that’s ever been served.

Yay, it’s almost time to clock out! More on this later.