Can a person truly be content and happy with being single? Despite being a realist and a loner at heart, I can’t quite confidently say yes.
I salute those who come right out and say “@$#* this brave face crap, being single sucks!”, throw themselves an occasional pity party where the only other guests are Messrs. Ben and Jerry or Ms. Sara Lee, and then get back into the business of living without being consumed by protracted lamenting of their singlehood.
It’s a lonely state of being, for most. Bearing in mind that there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. But I don’t think that loneliness is the primary factor that makes being single suck so much. You could surround yourself with friends in the waking hours, have a posse of platonic companions to eat every meal and watch every movie with, have a room-mate (and by this I mean a person who shares your bedroom, i.e. the non-American definition. Dear America, I think you mean housemate) and receive unconditional love from your pets (and by this I exclude cats, who generally wouldn’t give a flying rat’s ass).
Yet something would still be missing.
Allow me to put on my tiara for a second and channel the late Princess Diana. Ahem...
“I think the biggest disease the world suffers from in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved.”
*stuffs tiara back into secret hiding place*
That’s what makes being single suck. The emotional isolation of feeling unloved. We’re all looking for someone to notice us as we stand on the stage of life amidst a cast of billions. Someone who would truly see the person, not just the label (son/daughter, sibling, colleague, friend) and yet love us, notwithstanding.
Of course, there’s always parents (particularly if you had a face only your mother could love), who would be the ones concerned with the little things like whether or not you’ve showered or changed your underpants today. But that’s not quite the attention we’re looking for, innit?
Susan Sarandon’s character in “Shall We Dance” nailed it for me. When asked why she valued marriage, her reply was:
“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying - Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness - "
Credit to Zsarina for the quote.
A witness to your life. One who is not bound by the call of blood to do so. It’s more than just the presence of a warm body in bed with you. It’s having that person lie next to you as you sleep, quietly watching the rise and fall of your breathing as the rest of the world passes you by. Noting, and thereby appreciating your existence.
When two people decide to make an emotional commitment to witness each other’s lives, that’s when they’re ready for marriage.
Long ago, I made a mental checklist of criteria for the person to whom I would be willing to make an emotional commitment. I think most of us have these checklists. The thing is, the Ally McBeals amongst us make the mistake of obsessing over checking every single box. Having an unchecked box is tantamount to “settling”. Selling yourself short.
Really, though?
Sometimes, despite a checklist full of ticks and little heart doodles, the commitment gets broken anyway. I was once in the business of divorce, I’ve heard enough descriptions of “we were the perfect couple” to know.
I see two aspects to a marriage. Firstly, the emotional commitment between two people. Secondly, the legal recognition of that commitment, and hence its legitimisation, which society bestows by way of a ceremony/ritual or piece of paper. You can have the former without the latter (i.e. a de-facto marriage). I’ve learnt that sadly, you can also have the latter without the former (i.e. a shell of a marriage).
I think the problem is this – our checklists only set out the positives. What many tend to forget is the list of negatives. Nobody’s perfect, there’s got to be a corresponding list that says -
His salary isn’t much to shout about
Doesn’t change underpants often enough
I. HATE. HIS. MOTHER.
She sure does shop A LOT
Why can’t he hug ME instead of his bolster?
She really detests kids…hope she’ll change her mind later
You’re making a commitment to witness every aspect of the other’s life. There is just no room for selective blindness. You have to take a good hard look at the bad bits and decide whether or not you can live with it. You weigh the ticks on the good list against the ticks on the bad list.
That’s not settling. It’s called being realistic.
That’s why I love the episode of the Simpsons where a young Homer reasons that he isn’t good enough to marry Marge because he’s broke and well, is quite an oaf. He can’t even afford to get her a proper ring. Marge is well aware of this but still wants to marry him. At the end of the episode, Homer proposes to Marge at the drive-in counter of the fast food joint where he works, and gives her an onion ring.
Awwww.
Finding a lifetime companionship, as opposed to just a spouse, is not easy. The dreaded questions –
No boyfriend/girlfriend ah?
So, when getting married?
that are relentlessly pecked out at single people by the gaggle of sticky-beaked relatives and friends only result in some people making desperate and wrong choices. Or retreat behind the facade of a brave face.
My parents have pretty much given up on me getting married. Fortunately my brother’s engagement to his wonderful no-longer-ex-fiancee is back on the cards, so that’ll keep them occupied for the next couple of years.
Occasionally though, I see the question screaming out from behind their silence.
“You really dowan to get married ah?”
I’ve answered that question, here. I just haven’t told them.
12 comments:
Good points, especially about being realistic about having the negative ticks as well as positive ones.
I actually wrote about something similar a while ago, although I took a different tone. :)
Halfway through this post, I quickly scrolled down to see if there was a wedding announcement between the cow and the pig. Sadly, no.
Anyway.
1) While I enjoy being in relationships, I'm also genuinely happy being in between relationships, and enjoy the brief period of me-time. I've been around the block enough to know that the next great guy is always just around the corner.
2) That 'Shall We Dance' bit is beautiful. I'll never get married, but having a witness to my life is still something I want. One of the best things about having a partner is having someone to call the moment anything significant happens to you.
3) An onion ring is as good a ring as any.
I'm happy being single. Then again, I was also happy being part of a couple. But the two are a different kind of happy - I acknowledge that and others should realise that the two kinds of happy can and do exist.
You can always count on me to say that I'm tired being brave in the face of relationships cos it's true, sometimes ^_^
a joke i read somewhere: to stop those old aunties from giving us a poke and asking, "so when's ur turn" during weddings, give them a poke and ask them the same question during a funeral! :Þ
Well written as usual, spot.
I found what Susan Sarandon said to be very true. Struck me while I was watching the movie and kinda forgotten about it. Thanks for reminding me.
And I suppose that is what most of us want - a witness to our life.
Sometimes, the loneliness is just too much that I feel like settling for whoever that comes along.
It's just a temporary feeling. I respect myself and believe that I deserve the best, or at least the best that I could find.
Still, didn't someone say that, "The more wrong people that you meet, the more you will appreciate the right one when he comes along" or something to that effect.
bertha - thanks, i really do feel strongly that people just tend to totally ignore the bad list, which really is just an invitation to get your butt bitten by it later on. think i did read something like that in your archives sometime back...must go trawl through.
jay - hahaha...t's a good thing then that i didn't stick in the photo i'd intended to at the end of the post.
i'd say an emotional commitment isn't any less significant if it doesnt have that societal sanction called "marriage". oh, i did already say it.
an onion ring is an EXCELLENT ring! yum. can wear, makes a great mini snack.
A. & Jay - I have no doubt that one can be happy despite being single; the category i had in mind with this post though, is the group of ppl who aren't happy being single but are forced to put on a brave face and justify.
to them i say there really isn't anything wrong with thinking that singlehood sucks. and being single doesnt mean that there's something wrong with you, cos finding someone RIGHT really is hard.
stargal - i have LOTS of similar comebacks in my mind. but reality is, you can never actually say those things. oh the shame upon your house! :)
derek - thanks (thought you were going awol for a bit).
a coupla years ago, i was faced with the question of whether i was settling. wasn't lonely, was just presented with a choice. one that blurred the line btwn commitment and settling.
whilst that crisis has since passed, i found myself still pondering the difference, right up to the writing of this post. believe it or not, the realisation of the importance of checking off that negative list came as i wrote.
i wholly agree that one deserves the best, to be true to oneself. problem is, what happens if further down the line, a best-est appears? what would i do if Angelina Jolie miraculously appeared at my door and said "mrrrowl, who's my daddy?"??
oy. can't think...overwhelmed at that last thought!!!
it's sad for those wrong people, if you're the one who dumps them when the right one comes along.
Yeah, it's so hard to dump someone when you think someone better comes along.
But still, isn't there a saying about to love is to see someone imperfect perfectly.
I mean, we will always meet someone who is better, smarter, funnier, richer etc than the current one.
At the end of the day, it is more important to stick with the one we have decided, don't ya think?
And yeah, I am supposed to be on holiday. Today is the only day of week I am at work.
you know where i stand on this... so hear! hear!
p/s i think that's why so many of us have blogs. they stand witness to our lives, however poor a substitute they might be.
p/s i think that's why so many of us have blogs. they stand witness to our lives, however poor a substitute they might be.
I think that's very true, Jikon. Especially for those of us who are still searching for meaning in this life. Whether or not we end up having a partner to share it with regardless, there is a 'silent witness' to our journey in these blogs.
Ah! I am so blessed and in awe of the wonderful gift that heaven has bestowed on me... My Marido. Here's to you dearest one. And to you Spot and Snowie!
"At the end of the day, it is more important to stick with the one we have decided, don't ya think?"
Derek - if that were so, divorce wouldn't be necessary. reality is, divorce, in SOME cases, is really the best thing one can do for oneself.
jikon - indeed i do. :)
bertha - i agree, that was well said by jikon. it's one of the reasons why i started.
ame - yes, you do have quite a treasure there. :)
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