Silence of The Hairless Cat

Not too long ago I embarked upon a new chapter in my life with someone very special. As we looked back at the wreckage of a shattered hope that had been left behind, I wondered if I would repeat history further down the road.

She said this to me:-

“Whatever you may want to do, I can’t stop you anyway. Just make sure I don’t find out about it”.

You wouldn’t want to know? Weren’t we taught, waaay back when it was cool to make your words of wisdom rhyme, that honesty is the best policy?

Yet, how often have we come across examples where a guy wonders whether or not to come clean to his girlfriend about an indiscretion and while his female friends say “of course, honesty is the foundation of all relationships”, he gets a “what, are you CRAZY??” from his guy friends.

How many times has this dreaded question transplanted an entire wrestling team into the stomach of men all over the world…”Does this make my bum look fat?”.

The boy who puts a grasshopper on the girl’s shoulder, says “I like you” and runs away is probably glad he got it off his chest. But the girl’s left with a gross bug on her shoulder and confused by the conflicting signals she’s been given – he likes me – teehee! - but there's a gross bug on my shoulder – eeeuuu.

When is silence, or not doing anything, a good thing?

I hurt someone really REALLY badly a few years ago. Having already inflicted the ultimate rejection upon her, I continued to make periodic contact with her to see if she was okay, to tell her for the millionth time that I was sorry and that despite what had happened, I would still be there for her as a friend. What a load of bollocks.

As much as I meant everything I said in all truth and honesty, as much as I needed her to see that I was truly sorry and feeling wretched for having caused her so much pain, as desperately as I needed her to forgive me, it was not something she needed to know.

Friends advised that it was kinder to stay away. Maintain silence. She DIDN'T. NEED. TO. KNOW.

Friends, family and even your own brain could tell you the truths of the universe and yet you’d still continue along the path of your folly. Acknowledgement of the flaw/mistake, and later, acceptance of its consequences, can only come at your own time, once you’ve figured it out yourself.

It took me such a long to time to realise that in forcing her to see the guilt & contrition in my heart, I was being a galactically selfish bastard. If she accepted the apology, I would probably feel better, but what good was that to her? Oh, I’m so sorry I could die, but ah.. I still wanna be your friend - what the heck was she supposed to do with THAT? It wasn’t going to change the fact that I wasn’t coming back. It wasn’t going to change the fact that I’d turned her life upside down and moved on without her. Out of the bloody blue.

I still think that if only she could just rationalise it, it would make sense to her and everything should be okay. If only she could see BOTH sides of the situation. But I’ve also realised that not everybody can be as clinically realistic as I can be in the face of an emotional minefield. So I’ve kept my silence since; accepting that the inescapable guilt will continue to sit just below the surface of my heart and can only be evicted when I forgive myself, instead of by way of a forced acknowledgement by and forgiveness from her. Guilt, from the knowledge of the ugliness that I have brought about, is the cross that I must bear alone.

Hmmm…that was a tad bit melodramatic no? There is a point to this…I do tend to get carried away sometimes. Like this totally unnecessary paragraph.

I have come to realise that because we do not live in an ideal world, some things just don’t apply. Sometimes, the truth does not have to be told. Particularly if those truths are rather ugly.

So, even if the answer to the question of “Does my bum look big” is “Why ,of course, because it IS big”, that truth shouldn’t be so readily shared when you know that the owner of that big-ass (snark) bum will inevitably focus only on the fact that you perceive her bum as big. She’s not going to think “So what if my bum is big, if you have a problem with it, you go deal with it. I think my bum looks like J Lo’s”. No, reality is, every girl hates her bum, whether it be big, small, wobbly, lopsided. So…LIE. It makes no difference anyway. She’ll still think it’s fat.

I’m in danger of losing the point again…

So. what do you do when there’s something you feel you just have to get off your chest about someone, yet knowing that the other person is not going to like the revelation? On the one hand, by telling, you risk that person focussing solely on the fact that you feel that way, instead of the more important fact that those feelings are twisting you into knots of guilt and that you hate yourself for even thinking it. On the other hand, if you don’t tell, then what do you do with the fact that you DO feel those feelings?

In an ideal world, you blab, the other person realises that it’s not really about him/her, it’s actually about YOU, you feel better, you both have a deep & meaningful discussion that reaffirms your friendship and everybody ends up agreeing that they have nice small pert bums.

In the real world, a scary-ass naked Sphynx (educational link for the day) cat is let out of the bag, people run screaming for the hills, points get missed, feelings get hurt and confused silence ensues.

How now?

Sometimes the truth shouldn’t be told and you just have to deal with your feelings all by your ugly little self.

Sometimes, the truth needs to be told, but the trick is in the delivery. If you’re going to let that cat out of the bag, don’t lob the bag from the safety of the hills. People might still run screaming, but you won’t look so evil if you’re still in the position to reign in your scary-ass naked cat and put some clothes on the creepy thing.

Much like the boy who said “I like you”, the grasshopper-on-the-shoulder thing as part of its delivery is so not the right move.

One can only hope that gross bugs, big bums and scary-ass cats aside, the recipient will eventually calm down and see the point behind the fumbled delivery.