Retrospective

I’m glad that I haven’t been specifically tagged to do this meme, given how annoyingly the “5 things” bit distracted from the retrospective mood set by the first five headings. I wouldn’t be surprised if the original meme stopped at “tomorrow” and the rest were just added to cast a rose-tinted lifeline to those who don’t share the same voyeuristic tendencies towards gazing at a navel-gazer.

Thing is, I’ve been in that kind of mood lately. All around me, lives are either winding to a close or treading new paths. The dust has only recently settled for me. Ironic, that with stability comes sandstorm restlessness. So, whither from here?

“And there’s always retrospect, to light a clearer path
Every five years I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh”

As much as I wholeheartedly agree with living life with little regrets, I can’t discount the value in looking forwards from the perspective of the past.

I've modified the meme.(better than saying I'm too lazy)

A lifetime:
is what everyone gets, to paraphrase Death of the Endless. Whether it ends at 14 or 90, what matters most is what we choose to do with it. The liberal-minded will tell you that one should always strive to live the life of your own choosing, everyone else be damned.

How simplistic. And tempting.

If I had chosen for myself, I wouldn’t be here writing this. My lifetime was extended beyond a short twenty something years due to obligations to my parents. Guilt, the invention of all mothers.

5 years ago:
Career-wise, I was leaving a small firm in a small town and hoping to add corporate law to my CV. At the second interview, the interviewer said “no one will hire you for corporate with this little experience”. I turned down his offer of a stepping stone (with pebbles for salary) and got a job at one of the larger firms in KL. At the time I told myself that I had proved him wrong. In retrospect, what was more important was that I had proved myself right.

On a personal level, I had just moved up to KL to start a life with someone I thought was THE one.

“god if I had known, the pain I’d make you feel, I would’ve stopped this thought of us and turned upon my heel”

I don't regret the life I shared with her, only the pain that she had to go through when reality hit home three years later.

1 year ago:
I closed a chapter and moved out of a jointly-owned property into a mine-all-mine studio. Kids, it’s true. Don’t buy property in joint names unless you’re married. Divorce, at the very least, provides an orderly procedure to unravel those strings.

Career-wise, it was a 13-minute drive to work at a bungalow. I got to have lunch everyday with Snowie. I had a nice salary and could brazenly walk in at 9.30 am. I generously shared my feelings of contempt for the bosses and pity for my colleagues. And secretly wished that the bungalow would burn down.

Yesterday:
I visited my aunt in the hospital. It’s likely that despite the surgery, she’ll be looking at another series of chemotherapy (twice a week this time). She wondered if she’d be brave enough to tell them that she’s had enough of chemo. As much as I reeled from the calmness in which she took a step towards that close-ended road, I silently wished her the strength to remain on her rock of resilience when she faces the inevitable storm of their tears that will greet her decision.

Later in the evening over our snack of bah-kut-teh (yes, I do mean snack), my brother and I discussed the multitude of factors that his impending marriage will force him to consider. Ironically, the discussion led me to voice, for the first time, the fact that I was contemplating moving in the direction of a path that I’d long been stubbornly pretending did not exist. A path that stands in marked contrast to the one he faced.

Wisely, all he asked was “does she know?” and left me to weigh the ramifications of my answer with merely a look.

Tomorrow:
is a choice.

standing at the fork in the road -
you can stand there and agonize
till your agony's your heaviest load
…when you're learning to face
the path at your pace
every choice is worth your while.

A life on your own terms is a luxury that some cannot afford. How do you choose to ignore the myriad other lives that are intertwined with yours? How easy it is to wrap ourselves in arrogance, thinking that we know best for ourselves, for others. How easy it is to ignore the fact that our choices, will, must impact on others.

Living is hard. We try to paint life in black and white with catchwords and blurbs, but it will never be so simple.

So what do you do? In taking one path, will retrospect bring regret for the road not taken or the lives you trampled along the one you chose? In taking the other, the same considerations apply.

I’ve only recently understood the poem “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost. It’s not a poem about regrets, or making careful choices or taking the unconventional route. It’s more than just a jibe at his friend.

Standing at a fork in the road, what makes “all the difference” is the fact that you choose one over the other. Each choice offers up its own experience. Save for what it may have cost others, experience in itself should never be regretted.

Every choice is worth your while. The only consideration that matters is how much your choice will cost the lives that are intertwined with yours, and how much of that you can live with.