Spot the Invisible Teleporting Cow

Kids, don’t procrastinate! It is an evil habit and will result in you ending up with an elderly, so-NOT-fresh worm.

I’ve been meaning to write about superpowers after Snowie expressed an alarming interest in looking like Captain Caveman. As usual though, my old friend Procrastination and I have been busy yakking.

Forget about being able to fly (I have a phobia) or X-ray vision (there’s only so many people I’d like to see naked). Back in my X-Men comics days I thought being able to “phase”, i.e. pass through solid matter like a ghost was the coolest power. All I'd wanted then was to phase into the teachers' staff room and steal exam papers.

Ah, such impoverished ambitions, how limited the imagination.

My current superpowers of choice are teleportation and invisibility. A package deal, please...there's always room for greed in fantasies. Teleportation is important because it makes getting to and from my important invisibility-enabled missions a snap. And like, so cool.

Silly Aunt May...responsibility is for cookie-eating do-gooders. THIS is what I'd do with my great powers:

1. Bash every vehicle that (a) is being driven at the speed of molasses in quicksand; (b) has white, Radiance-of-God bulbs in its headlamps; (c) has stupid things hanging from the rearview mirror like bananas, dice, cutesy animal things; (d) cuts queue without indicating; and (e)produces its own black harbinger of smog.

2. Stick watermelons up the exhaust pipes of specially-souped-up-for-maximum-noise cars.

3. Cut off the "tails" of boys whose delusional parents think that the stingray look is an acceptable hairstyle for small children. Shaddub boy, I'm saving you from a lifetime of trauma.

4. Slap said delusional parents around for said delusion. And my amusement.

5. Slap into frightened silence the shrieking bratty children who run around crowded enclosed places.

6. Slap parents of said children who don't seem grateful or relieved for the silence.

7. Teleport into Angelina Jolie's bedroom, toss Brad out of the bed and...*perversion filter/censor activated*.

8. Teleport home every lunch time and get a good solid hour's nap/oprah- watching/yahoo wordracer-playing.

9. Teleport over to Snowie's office every now and then to give her an invisible smooch.

10. Teleport into a bank vault and roll around in the money, then ...*criminal activity filter activated*

I'd stop here...but I've just recalled another power I'd like. More of an ability, actually.

Wouldn't it be SO excellent to be able to throw up at will? Not just any Exorcist-type spewing, but a purging of a thirteen-levels-of-Hell spring clean.

Imagine going up to your favourite enemy -

You. Make. Me. Sick.

BLEURRRRRKKKKKK!!!

Need a hanky?

People I'd "bless":-

1. GW Bush and his mother
2. THE Tun
3. Ex-Boss, Her Royal High Hairness
4. The Chief Minister of my hometown
5. The Minister with Donald Trump's hair