I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been
Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
Will I stay this way forever
Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor?
I don’t want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can’t even see if this is really me
And I just want to be...
Alive
- Going Through The Motions, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
My brother's wedding celebrations are dragging on as interminably as his engagement was (at least 6 years). Singapore, Malacca, KL, Singapore again, February to May. Whew.
I've got a speech to make tomorrow...so I better say this here and now. Cos it just won't do to have my subconscious take over my mouth then.
Imagine the main table at the main dinner last week. My family, including me, numbers 4. Sister-in-law's family numbers 2, including her. That's 6. Add in dad's brother and sister-in-law; total = 8. Another 2 seats; one for my cousin who's pretty much "adopted" by us as part of the family. Leaving only one more seat. But 2 more to be seated - mum's so-called "god-son" (Firstly, we're not christian. Secondly, it's only in theory, we hardly ever see him) and his mother.
So who has to make way?
Maybe I should be more outraged.
Particularly when "the family, please come to the stage for the toast" didn't include me.
Particularly when looking at the photos later on, the bride says "oh..actually you should have been there too".
Or when I had to explain that I wouldn't know how good the champagne tasted because I wasn't involved in the toast and they realised that there had only been enough for the main table. What was I supposed to do, grab a glass anyway?
Or how about when mum forgot that the natural person to kick off the younger-generation-pouring-tea-for-the-couple is... me. Duh. Remember? Your other child?
Whilst I'm on that rant...what about the fact that for 30 years, my parents didn't realise that the reason why I walk funny is because I have one shorter (about 2.5cm) leg? It was Snowie who noticed (and insisted on measuring!).
In a way, I can't blame them. I checked out on my family years ago. Metaphorically, that is. I've been consciously trying to make myself "invisible", not needing help, not asking for much. Not expecting much.
I sorted out tuition classes during secondary school, enrolment and student visas for Singapore and Australia, my career choices, my finances etc on my own. I've never needed a bail-out.
I choose most of your life goes on without me.
Physically I was there, I've been there. Playing the part, fulfilling the role of child, sibling. Being grateful, being filial. Going through the motions.
But in protecting my heart and keeping it safe elsewhere, I think perhaps my invisibility worked a bit too well.
There was a table set for six, but five were there.
I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair.
There was steam on the windows from the kitchen
Laughter like a language I once spoke with ease
But I'm made mute by the virtue of decision
And I choose most of your life goes on without me.
Oh the fear I've known
That I might reap the praise of strangers
And end up on my own.
- Language or The Kiss, Indigo Girls.
12 comments:
funny, was listening to Buffy just a couple of days ago and thinking of you.
whilst it hurts (as it must), i think it is a combination of 2 things - one, as you say, that you have successfully made yourself invisible; and two, in times of 'need' (too lazy to think of better word), it is always the ones one is closest to that gets taken for granted / the short end of the stick, whether consciously or unconsciously. all the need to 'pei min' outside pple and all that (does not address the toast OR the tea ceremony, of course).
having rationalised so, why is it i still feel so indignant that you were repeatedly left out???!!!
crap reasons, that's why.
small comfort, i know, but remember that there is SOMEone who will not forget or ignore you, and will pierce through that cloak of invisibility. hang on to that thought tomorrow, ok.
Oh no....that's awful, Spot! *HUGS*
Why can't there just be your family members? Doesn't matter that it doesn't come up to 10 for the main table, right? "Technically, speaking"....your mother's godson's mother should not be there sitting at the main table. YOU, the very fruit from your mother's womb, the sibling who shared the same womb as the groom, should be sitting at the main table. Not someone who is not even remotely related to you by blood. Somehow I get this feeling that this will bite your parents back in their a**** for not doing the right thing.
Just to let you know, sitting at the main table is no fun. Take it from someone who has sat there. You have to be on your best behaviour at ALL times. You have to smile and pretend that all is well even if your bloody dress is itching like crazy and you are turning blue from holding your breathe so that your tummy looks a tad flatter.
You can come and sit with Snowie and me and play with my ham-chop baby if it's any consolation. Maybe I'll bribe the waiter to keep some bubbly for us and serve the fake ones to the main table! :D
Deep breaths, cutie. But actually I don't think you're supposed to go on stage for the toast.. that is unless you're parents of the bride or the groom. Too many people on stage would endanger the makeshift stage - and certainly take away the limelight from the lucky couple.
Paul
HUGS.I understand how you feel.
Sometimes I wish I could 'check out' of Hotel Familia. But in my case, it's more like Hotel California. I can never leave.
normal fr chinese wedding i guess.. I didn't get to sit on the main table for any of my sibblings!! ((hugs)).. probably u concentrate on taking photos? heh.. poor u!
Snowie - Thanks love, but actually I'm not at all anxious or anything abt tmrw. Because even if I get kicked off the main table, I get to sit with you! :)
Boobjuicer - You can join Snowie and me imagine that the girl who'll be singing (valentine, I think) tmrw is actually singing..."I went to your wedding, although I was dreading, the thought of losing youuuuuu....". :D
Paul - Not a hard and fast rule, the stage thing. I've seen both side of the scale. But I knowlah whatcha mean, thanks doc *breathes*.
Wandernut - Thanks. Hugs back. Eh..I actually considered hiring you and D to sing...as a present to my brother! It'd be SO COOL!! But you went holiday lah.
Biow - Come do the math with me. ONE sibling. 4 + 2. Table quite empty doncha think? The point, the point. :)
Thats really the problem when you are smarter / more independent than the rest of your family, they tend to get jealous & pretend to overlook you.
I didnt sit at the main table of my brother's wedding either. It did mean I didnt have to pretend to be all nice.
even my last older sibbling got married, happen to hc one empty seat, still my mom asked my aunt minus my uncle!can be me mar.. so how's the dinner? :D
*Hugs*
Weddings, especially family ones, especially CHINESE ones, are long, drawn-out affairs that really end up alienating anyone who's not considered "mainstream".
Still, I thought you should be outraged. I mean, one snub is bad enough but a few of those? Gosh. I mean you can't really choose your family and yet we always end up being disappointed by them.
But hey, you have Snowie. I can think of a FEW family members I'd gladly trade in for her.
Oh dear. Well, at least it's over and done with, isn't it?
-hugs-
biow - new post should answer your quesion :)
AJ, Will & Weeshiong - Thanks guys, for indulging the whinge :)
Will - Snowie's going to be absolutely chuffed that you think so, but...i donch want your rellies leh. So I'm gonna keep her, k?
wow...that's so complicated. somehow it hurts, somehow it's okay.
i can understand how you feel. you know, my sister got married last month, i wasn't even invited. she didn't even tell me the date. i got to know from my cousin!
family wor... *sigh*
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