Been A While

Dear Tompok,

I'm sorry I haven't been paying much attention to you since... October, really.

I thought I'd replace my broken shoes before I'd update.

Thought wrong! Sigh. I continue to bring shame upon my father's house. As pleased as I am with my new "I'm-too-chicken-to-walk-around-looking-like-ronald-macdonald" Crocs that aren't bright red, I doubt HR would agree that they represent suitable work-attire.

So. Where was I?

October/November was taken up by a new venture...sorry old cow, but you know I can't mention any details of that here. Identity issues and all. Anyway, that's all more or less off and running already, so I should now have time to milk the udders, right?

Bleh.

Work has been supersuperbusy since November. Karmic payback for the 21-month honeymoon I was on, I suppose. But all said, and disregarding my own personal standards, it can't have been that I literally sat back and shake legs ... 'cos employers don't give you an above average bonus for nothing, eh?

All this extra work for 2006 sucks, then, especially since the payout was nowhwere near as good as for 2005. Ah well. Good fortune like that can only come once or twice in one's life I suppose. A bonus is a bonus is a bonus. NOT an entitlement.


Anyway. 2006 was a pretty big year for us eh?

The last days of cancer. How awful that a life, though fully lived, can be robbed of all dignity at its close. How difficult it must be to have to rely on others to tend to your personal hygiene. She weighed nothing in my arms, yet the cringe of her shame and despair was as powerfull as it was heartbreaking.

Before this I've never been afraid of death, apart from the vague dread of there possibly being some degree of pain involved in the process. Watching the curtain drop inch by agonising inch on her.... for the first time in my life, it hit me how helpless one would feel as the world slips away with the closing of one's eyes for the very last time.

What if at the final darkening, we're thinking, saying... or worse, screaming -

Not Yet.

Not Now.



2006 seemed to be a year of journeys - the starting points, the destinations and everything in between.

The year began with the ending of my search for identity. I haven't yet found the answer - identity being such a fragile concept - but it appears that I've reached a point where I'm comfortable enough to stop and say...well, here's where I am, I'm not quite sure where this is, but I'm ok with the view from here.

It's not the answer that's important I guess, but the peace that one makes along the way.


After years of procrastination and treading the quicksand of filial guilt, I finally put in my application for Australian PR. The application appears to be tangled up in bureaucratic tape for now, but hey. At least it’s in and I can forget about it for now.


My brother finally got married, making up for the 8 long years of dilly dallying by throwing a roadshow of a wedding. Singapore, Melaka, KL, Singapore (encore performance).


I went to the only place I'd ever wanted to visit other than Egypt. Italy was a dream that for two weeks, came blissfully true. That it was realised with the person with whom I now share all my life's paths, was surreal.


I grew up. And made a commitment I'd long (wrongly) assumed I was capable of.

You take for granted that your own convictions and philosophies will (of course!) meet the mark when put to the test. One day you find yourself standing at the scene of the crash and all you wanna do is run. And you do. Philosophies and convictions be damned...you just wanna get out while you can.

But I grew up. I understand commitment a little better now. It's not just pretty words said on happy days. Commitment is going ahead, despite having seen the baggage, having seen the inextricable ties...and not insisting that that legacy be left behind.


I found my heart. I don't know if it means I've really reached the point of really letting it go, but I think what's more important is to not be bitter about it. I hope that understanding makes me a better person.


At the close of the year, she called. We talked. She's forgiven me, it seems. But that's just step one. As I've told you before...I too have to forgive myself. And I can't. Not yet.

Will I ever?

It's ironic that it took her loss to teach me the meaning of commitment.


So Tompok. Here we are. I'm grateful to have had you to talk to. You've allowed me to look back and reflect on the conversations I've had with myself through you. I've gotten to know us a lot better. The good stuff and the bad stuff.

Things never stay the same. Our conversations here have done a good job of chronicling that process of things not staying the same.

A record of Change.


Thanks, Tompok. We really did have a pretty good year, all things considering.