Ok, fine I lied…just 10 then. Nobody likes a harpy.
1. Yes I realise it’s lifted from a comicbook, but surely speech balloons do not a screenplay/script make? Could the dialogue be any more like bumper sticker slogans?
2. Since when did Persian kings dress like Vegas lounge/Mardi Gras parade rejects or look like Dalhsim, that Indian Mr. Fantastic character from the original Street Fighter game? I’d totally understand if anyone expected Xerxes to bust out a drag rendition of Material Girl as he descended his golden palanquin.
Seriously…as if Iran isn’t pissed off enough already. It's a movie after all, why not call the invading army Transians? Or Priscillans?
3. What’s the deal with the freakazoid-filled Persian army???? If you’re going to use fantasy monsters, for Herodotus’s sake don’t also reference real places, real civilisations, real battles and real political structures and mislead the already history-ignorant majority of your audience into believing that that’s really what happened in the real Battle of Thermopylae.
After all, it’s called “300”. Really, what’s wrong with us assuming that the story’s about 300 Lost Chippendales Dancers Gone Fabulously Feral?
4. In what part of his superman cape or leather panties did Leonidas keep that apple?
5. If Spartan males spend their entire lives bathed in testosterone and abs-chiselling manliness whilst yelling awooah, awooah, AWOOOAGH!!! at each other…how did they manage to avoid getting their perfect white teeth bloodied and busted into a billion pieces?
Spartan male 1: AWOAAGH!!! SPARTAN!! YOUR LEATHER SPEEDO IS SEXIER THAN MINE!! I PUNCH YOU!!! AWOOOAGH!!!
Spartan male 2: AWOAGH…oh wait, not my mouth please … aim at my perfect abs instead…awoaagh!!!
6. Similarly, what’s Leonidas’ son doing running about all happy happy mischievous-like in a society where male children are trained from the time they learn to stand to be killing machines? Shouldn’t he be going around punching other children and indiscriminately jabbing spears into kittens for practice?
7. If you can be bothered to research the basics of historical detail…300 Spartans held of an advancing Persian army at the Hot Gates, the Spartan military tradition, Spartan laconicism, Spartan political system…why do a half-arsed job?
It wasn’t just 300 Spartans who blocked the Thermopylae pass. Several thousand soldiers drawn from all over the various city states of Greece were under Leonidas’ command. Only after the Persian army found out about the mountain path did 300 Spartans AND several hundred just as brave Thespians and Thebans stay behind to delay the Persian army whilst the other thousands retreated to Athens.
Spartans didn’t wear only undies and a cape in battle.
I’ll admit that I didn’t know the historical details either, before today …but the ridiculousness of how a phalanx-style fight (surely that wasn’t how a phalanx fought - Pushing??? Spartan men would make such enthusiastic midwives) was depicted in the face of such enormous numbers just launched me into a morning of frenzied googling to seek the truth. The Persians (the non-freakazoid, real civilisation that existed circa 400BC) would have been proud.
8. Isn’t it beyond stupid to waste thousands of sun-blocking arrows just to down ONE dying man? What if the arrows terkena Xerxes??
9. The Ephors were a bunch of melty-faced perverts who lived on top of spooky mountain, enjoying the equivalent of a whispery J’Adore perfume commercial performed in oracle-speak by a stylishly writhe-y girl? Being the top politician in Sparta rocks! Except for the melty-face part and the inconvenience of rock-climbing, I’d guess.
10. Just because the demi-god behind the graphic novel is Frank Miller I’m not entitled to laugh at this movie?
Pfft.
Having said all that though, it really was a cinematic experience. Very stylish visuals.
And waaaaaaaaay more entertaining than Troy.
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11 comments:
~~~~~~~geekchic
Welcome back to the blogosphere :)
I was disappointed to discover that despite faithfully copying colour schemes, lighting effects, even entire scenes, panel by panel, they strayed from the comicbook by making Leonidas wear furry shorts, instead of letting him swing free as Frank Miller (and God) intended it.
WTF.
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!
:D
Meat fest!
i wonder what the oracle would have been like if she (it?) had approved of the battleplan. would it have been ~writhe~writhe~writhe~*whisper* "awoooaghh"~writhe~ ???
I just saw the movie on Sunday.
Wahliao... I've never seen so many 6-packs in one place. Not even at the supermarket.
And eeeeee... I feel so geli for the Oracle. Got licked by icky blistery monsters. Euwwww! But hey, doncha think her writhing and nipple shots look like they were right out of a perfume commercial, no?
And yes, Xerxes does look like Dalhsim. He looks absolutely QUEEN in there. Love that shiny gold eyeshadow though. Geekchic, where to get ah?
And that bit when he was behind Leonidas and holding his shoulders, I could almost see some 'nasty' thoughts in his glittery eyes.
And aiyak, NOW only I see what you wrote about the J'adore abit... KAKAKAKAKAA! Hence my totally redundant perfume commercial comment earlier.
Of course you can laugh at the cheesy scenes! Who didn't titter even a little bit?
But God, the abs. I wanna worship the Spartans. They can enslave me anytime.
Didn't you love the J-adore bit even a little? I thought it was shockingly sensual and amazing! Never been that turned on by a woman in my life!
geekchic - pop in pop out only. :)
jay - Leonidas wears furry shorts in the movie meh? Thought it was a leather speedo type thingy...or as a reviewer described it - a "nut-pouch".
wandernut - the 6-packs were really awesome in how identical they looked on everybody...wonder which gym they pulled the Spartan-actors out from. Then again, from the latest episode of ANTM, apparently abs can be drawn on REALLY convincingly wor.
As for the perfume ad - aiyak! I got it wrong lah, not J'Adore...it's the new Hugo Boss fragrance...can't remember what name oredi...
And Queen Xerxes...ya boy, that scene with the arms and total molestation of Leonidas. I so had my mind in the gutter when he told Leo to "kneel", immediately after that.
savante - Those were some amazing abs, true. But I think what was more graowwrr was the scene when Leonidas sits naked on the bed and the moonlight slides all over his hip and thigh.
That Oracle-writhe was really very stylish and sensual I must say, but all erotic thoughts fled my mind the instant I recalled the perfume ad and Snowie's usual impersonation of it. Hee!
snowie - Yet another version of your impersonations? Actually ha, your performances would be SO better enhanced if you actually writhed.
I cannot promise that I won't laugh until tergolek-golek.
Furry shorts, leather speedos who cares, I want them OFF!
It's quite a coincidence that even as I type this, I've got a newspaper review of 300 in front of me, with a closeup of Gerard Butler's big shouting mouth... complete with bright shiny white teeth. Those Spartans sure had great dental plans.
I wondered the same thing about the apple. After all, the 300 warriors marched off with only spears and shields and not a single pack of essentials to mar the sight of their lovely red capes.
Come think of it, that apple was the only thing anyone got to eat.
WOAARGH!
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