I do realise that there’s less likelihood of you actually reading this, than of that Carolyn woman from The Apprentice turning up at your wedding as an eerie Princess Diana imposter to add an ironic nay to the chorus of naysayings.
But if, upon hearing the news announcement in February about the date of your wedding, my uncle and aunt could check their calendar as if they were being invited, well, I think I can be forgiven for writing you a letter, hey?
Congratulations on finally becoming Mrs. Prince Charles! Don’t you think that that title is a lot more descriptive than Duchess of Cornwall or Princess of Wales (let’s face it, THAT particular title went to the grave with Diana and will never be associated with anyone else anyway, even if Prince Charles were to marry, say, Elizabeth Hurley)?
The past 30 years can’t have been easy. Despite you being the Gladys to his Fred, you were kept waiting as he dithered and sailed away to the Caribbean rather than stand his ground against mummy’s and granny’s opposition to you. What’s a practical girl to do? How you must have felt the day you walked down the aisle towards Andrew Parker Bowles, knowing full well that your heart was with someone else. And what of the day you watched the reality of your mutual feelings get shattered by the fairytale of your Prince’s marriage to the beautiful golden princess? Oooo…I’m getting visions of the silent Little Mermaid as she watched her prince marry that suddenly-dunno-come-from-where princess.
Unfortunately for Princess Diana, you didn’t turn to sea foam. Well, you’re not quite the picture of a little mermaid anyway. A fairytale can only stretch so far.
So it’s been a whole big mess since. But at least through it all and particularly Camillagate, you’ve managed to escape getting a consistent nickname (I don’t think Horseface or That Woman count as an official one). Imagine having a nickname become practically your official name for posterity. Witness Fergie. How many people actually remember her real name?
I truly admire the dignity with which you have worn the scarlet letter that the world has hung on you (hey people, there is a reason why Scarlet Letters were abolished…maturity probably playing a large part). Thank god you didn’t jump on the talk-show bandwagon that the Prince and late Princess shamelessly utilised. In your silence you have put yourself above the sticks, stone and mean-spirited name calling. Many women of your celebrity (or notoriety?) would have had many a well-publicised breakdown from the avalanche of criticism and sheer hatred that you’ve been put through, like those bread rolls that shoppers at your local supermarket pelted you with, that one time. Yes, you did to a large extent bring the animosity upon yourself but hey, what happened to “let he who is not guilty cast the first stone” (bread roll, in your case)? Adultery is wrong, yes, but whadayaknow, it happened. Charles’ marriage to Diana would have broken down anyway even if you weren’t in the picture. They were just too different.
Really, get off your high horses, people.
Speaking of horses…that’s become quite a theme in your life hasn’t it? Well it’s pretty ironic then that those who persist in unkindly calling you Horseface are pretty much themselves nay-ing. Heh. (neighing - geddit, geddit?).
Anyway, your wedding’s in a matter of hours now. 30 odd years too late maybe, but hey, you’re finally going to be able to say YES I DO AND IT’S ABOUT BLOODY TIME TOO to your Prince Not-Quite-Charming. And at least this time, he’ll be able to answer the question “Are you in love?” with something a bit more certain than “whatever love is”. I guess he should realise now that love is that feeling which caused him to risk his throne by expressing, on the phone (a recordable medium, HELLO?), his frightfully ick desire to be reincarnated as your tampon .
I’m sure you've taken the numerous booboos that have heralded your wedding, with your usual stoicism and dignity. So what if the date got leaked? So what if your stuffy parents-in-law aren’t attending (doesn’t that count for a happy yahoo instead?). And I’m sure the Pope didn’t die just to sabotage your wedding.
It’s almost time to catch the BBC coverage of your wedding day! I’ve been quite worried about your wedding dress, you know. You do realise, don’t you, that you, a 57 year old lady with not very nice teeth and Farah Fawcet hair (it only ever worked for Ms. Fawcet), won’t stand a chance with the press and the millions of kaypohs who will be glued to the TV for the first glimpse of your dress? You will be unfairly compared with a 19 year old, golden haired princess in a beautiful dress straight out of a fairytale. Oh please please please don’t let it be anything shoulderless or collarless, because, really, that's not a very flattering look on you. And god forbid that it be anything resembling a meringue.
Remember, you’re expected to “bewail your manifold sins and wickedness” during the church blessing, so anything overly glamorous won’t quite fit in with the wailing thing. Most of all, PLEASE DON’T STRIDE. Repeat after me… “I’m wearing a wedding dress, not riding jodhpurs”. Of course nobody expects you to be the clothes horse that was Diana (a horse of the live variety is obviously the likelier perception). But still, it’s your wedding day and it would really be nice for you to get some nice comments about your dress.
You know, it’s really quite unfair for the tabloids (and shamefully, some of my friends and family!!) to call you Horseface. If anything, it’s certain members (yes, more than one!) of the Royal Family who look horsey. Therefore, don’t let any of the official photographs of you and Prince Charles get published on the front cover of Horse and Hound magazine. You don’t want the Rottweiler tag getting a whole new context. Come to think of it, never let them publish any photos of you two in that particular magazine, ever.
Anway, I don’t think you’re ugly. Just old and more than a little wrinkly. But not too bad, otherwise. Barbara Bush wasn’t very pretty either and she got to be First Lady. I think it’s only right that you be called Queen when Charles becomes King.
I hope it all goes well for you today. After all, you’ve got the traditional bride’s good luck charm. Something old (you and him), something new (your wedding baju), something borrowed (hmmm…can’t think of anything interesting to say here) and something blue (more than just some…it’s the millions of people turning blue from the hissy fits they’re throwing because of your wedding).
And tough titties to all those people howling about the delayed Grand National Steeplechase race. They can watch a pair of old horses get married instead. Heh. Sorry, just horsing around. Oops. Couldn’t resist that.
Anyway…congratulations on having come this far. Everyone deserves to be happy. Why not you?
4 comments:
LOL. That was a hilarious letter.
Amidst all the jibes, the tabloids and 'social commentators' forgot the real issue that's plaguing the non-tabloid press here in the UK. If he becomes king, he'll be head of the church, and most people are dubious about that. Especially when he refuses to give up the throne.
I couldn't care less about Charles, but I too, feel he should give up the throne for this marriage. I think it was King Richard (or one of them anyway) who abdicated because he wanted to marry a divorcee. The monarchy's all about tradition....why should Charles have it differently?
after all the "hurdles" (haha, not funny, queen e), they're finally married! i LIKED her dresses, esp the church one.
hmm... Bertha has a good point about pc being head of the church... and "DEFENDER OF THE FAITH"!! i guess that'd be a bit hard to swallow, when he's had a civil wedding himself, and all that that implies...
King Edward it was, who abdicated to marry Wallis Simpson. Yeah, whilst i agree that he doesnt have the moral credentials to lead the Church of England, i do also think that if he's to head any church, what better than the Church of England - one that was born of a sulky tantrum by a want-it-all king -Henry VIII.
snowdrop - ya, really nice dresses (or is it frock?)indeed. perhaps will link some pictures in later.
True what Spot said about CoE and Henry VIII. I think therein lies the contradiction. CoE was an obvious break from Catholicism because Henry wanted to divorce and marry again - we all know how that end up. But the CoE have wedged closer and closer to Catholicism nowadays, especially the 'high Anglicans', which is what the Queen is. There's been a lot of dialague here between the two churches. That's why a lot of people are against Charles being King.
And yes, Edward - I always forget his name. :)
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