In Another Life

Dear you,

Happy Birthday.

It’s hard to believe that you’ve had three since it happened. As I do every other day, I wonder today in particular, how you are, how you’ve been.

I remember writing in a card to you one birthday, in another life.

I can’t think of anyone I’d be happier with.

The cruel irony of those words is enough to stop my heart for an instant. I can only imagine how much the memory must shatter yours.

It may be that I continue to underestimate your strength. Perhaps you have moved on. Maybe even found someone who’s better equipped to commit to and love you as you deserve. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that you have. It would be so much easier.

Perhaps I’m not giving you enough credit, yet again. You’re four years older than me, of course you’ve picked up the pieces. Of course you’re getting on fine without me. Who do I think I am?

I’ll never know for sure though. You’ve effectively erased yourself from my life. I shouldn’t complain, having shoved you out in the first place.

The only good thing that came out of the madness that marked each phonecall in 2003 was that I was aware of the nightmare that you were going through on a daily basis. Why do you think I never changed my number, despite being advised repeatedly by well-meaning friends to do so?

You probably think that since you stopped calling that I’ve gone on happily to live a new life. Well, to a certain extent I have. Life does go on.

But I’ve never let myself forget what I did to you. For so long, not a morning dawned that I didn’t think of you. In the silence of 2004, I followed someone else's pain as a proxy reminder of yours. I religiously played "Honestly" by Annie Lennox when I was alone in the car, hearing your anguish in her words.

The beauty that you gave,
has turned upon itself
And all the things you said…evaporated.

Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head ... still

I turned myself into a person that I didn’t like
But please believe me when I say I know it wasn’t right

I never thought that things would get to be so complicated
I never thought that you and me would end up so frustrated

Fools like me get so easily taken
And fools like me can be so mistaken

I never thought I'd have to pay the price to set you free
You know I never thought I'd ever live a day without you
And that's the reason why it makes me sad to think about you

How easily the words “I didn’t mean to hurt you” slip from the mouths of the guilty. What a steaming pile of rancid bullshit. I knew full well that it would devastate you. And I did it anyway. How dare I even pretend that I didn’t mean for you to get hurt??

You were right. I didn’t respect you.

Love alone is never enough. Love without respect will never equal commitment.

I realise that now and I’m so desperately sorry.

You know I don’t pray. I can only hope that you’ve found a “safe place for all the pieces that scattered”. I hope that in these three years you’ve found reason to laugh again.

I console myself with the thought that you will forgive me one day, if you haven’t already. That is, after all, the sort of person you are. I wish I could tell you that I know that you were freaked out yourself by that person screaming from that abyss of rage and heartbreak.

I wish I could tell you so many things.

I wish I could send you this.

But I know that my hopes and wishes are as empty and meaningless as my sorrys were. I have only myself to blame for having cheapened my own words.

I no longer have the right.

Happy Birthday.