Not That I've Nothing To Say

...it's just that I can't be bothered.

I've been telling myself that everything boils down to me having a short attention span. But suspect that there's probably more to it than that.

Change job, start a side business, blog, attempt to write seriously... all good intentions and more than just a little spark of enthusiasm. Then once the momentum gets going...I seem to lose interest. Even when things are looking good.

I've secured a better-paying, better-prospects job. The order book for the business has been suprisingly good. I've had no shortage of affirmation of the quality of my writing and encouragement & support to take it up seriously.

Yet...I appear to be sluggishly mired in a bog of "meh".

Can't be bothered.

Seriously.

This is surely bad.


I wonder if it means I feel I'm without a purpose.

What does it mean though, to have a purpose? A general desire to have more than the present? How does it work?

Yech. I'm starting to sound like that monotonous "Look at my navel lint, it is so profound. Why is it here? Is mankind genetically adverse to hygiene?" voice-over at the start and end of every episode of Heroes. Niki rules, btw, since I'm on that subject!


Anyway. Simply....why am I so sien?

If only it weren't so frowned upon to be a hedonist.

But but but... if, having given a go at the things I thought I wanted, I still find the need to move on or just plain lose interest in them even when the going's good....doesn't that indicate that those things aren't/weren't what I want?

It's irritating. The logic is pissing me off.


At least though, I certainly know what I don't want.... ie a materialistic, fast-paced, career-oriented life.

As for what I want, though....I'm not so sure anymore.


I've been having this ongoing discussion with a close friend for the past few months. She's always acted on her desires, with generally happy outcomes. At the time. Several years down the line now though, she's come to the realisation that the life she thought she wanted...clearly isn't. And she wants the old life back.

So it takes a mistake to know what you don't want. Sounds logical. You don't know till you try.

But sometimes, the consequences of learning what you don't want is much too high. Other people get hurt. Because as much as we like to kid ourself that it's empowering to act on your beliefs, principles or whatever self-help mantras that turn you on, our lives are entwined with others. We're all a bunch of fish hooks in a bowl. Pulling one out inevitably drags a whole mess of other hooks along. Can you really rip yourself out of the entanglement without severely affecting another?

Sometimes, we just have to. For the sake of the long run. Hope for minimal damage.

After the dust and tears have settled and the wounds are bandaged though, on a philosophical level, the worst thing is that you may no longer trust yourself to know what you want.

Do you really want the old life back?

Sucks. Big time.


I look at her predicament and I'm grateful that all that's oozing from my pores is "meh" and not "I want to die".

The question remains. What do you do when you don't know what you want?

I can't answer that.


But I do know what I don't want. My friend knows what she doesn't want.

And knowing what you don't want, if one had to choose, is more important than knowing what you want. Because, as this very wise and funny girl says... it gives you perspective. And I for one, am very big on having perspective. It's the best gift you can give yourself.

Unfortunately for many, perspective comes at a very high cost.

I've deviated, I know.

but.... meh.